How to Stop Being So Defensive (and Take Things Less Personally)
Because not everything said to you is about you — even if it totally feels like it.
Let’s be honest — being told “you’re too sensitive” or “don’t take it personally” can make you want to throw something towards the person saying it right?? :)
If you’ve ever spiraled after getting feedback, replayed a conversation 20 times, or felt misunderstood — you’re not alone.
Here’s the truth:
Taking things personally isn’t a flaw. It’s a sign you care — about people, connection, and doing things right. But when that caring crosses into constant self-protection, defensiveness shows up like a bodyguard who’s way too eager for a fight.
It’s a sign you’re giving their opinion MORE weight than your own and that’s a place where confidence will never grow.
So how do you drop your guard without feeling overwhelmed?
1. Pause Before You Pounce
The moment someone gives you feedback or disagrees with you, your brain fires off the thought:
“I’m being attacked”
It’s your nervous system doing its job — scanning for threat.
Nothing has actually gone wrong.
Before you respond, take a breath and pause long enough to consider this question:
“Is this all about me… or about them?”
Sometimes people’s tone, stress, or unmet needs influence their message. Don’t assume every piece of feedback is all about you.
Try this:
When you feel the sting, say to yourself,
“This is data, not danger.”
“I can do hard things”
2. Notice What You’re Making It Mean
Someone says, “You could have handled that differently.”
You hear, “You messed up and you’re incompetent.”
Sound familiar?
What we make things mean is often more painful than what was actually said.
Ask yourself:
What story am I creating here?
What am I assuming they meant?
Is there another possible interpretation?
Sometimes it’s not the comment that hurts — it’s the meaning we’ve layered on top.
3. Be Curious, Not Convincing
Defensiveness is really just fear dressed up as logic. We rush to explain, justify, or prove ourselves right — when what’s actually needed is curiosity.
Instead of “That’s not true!”, try:
“Can you tell me what made you feel that way?”
“That wasn’t my intention — what part didn’t land well?”
“I hadn’t seen it that way. Thanks for pointing it out.”
You don’t have to agree in order to be open.
Curiosity softens the moment and shows maturity — it signals, “I can handle feedback without combusting.”
4. Find the 10% Truth
Even in feedback that feels harsh or unfair, there’s sometimes a small nugget of truth in there somewhere.
Maybe someone says, “You never listen.”
You could think: That’s ridiculous — I’m a great listener!
But if you dig deeper, maybe they meant: “I didn’t feel heard this time.”
You don’t have to own all of it — just the part that rings true.
Try: “I see where you’re coming from”
“You’re right… I totally do that sometimes! My bad”
“Yes, I was distracted and overwhelmed in my brain when you were talking… Sorry- I did miss what you said. Do you mind repeating it?”
That’s emotional intelligence in motion.
It also typically sets the tone for cooperation going forward. If the person had hoped to start an argument or shut you down- well… no drama or fight to find here!!
5. Reframe Feedback as a Tool, Not a Threat
Emotionally intelligent people don’t see feedback as criticism — they see it as information that helps them learn, grow, improve and understand others.
When feedback lands, remind yourself:
“This isn’t proof I’m not good enough. It’s an opportunity to be even better.”
Something I’m always reminding my clients of is Our Triggers are our Teachers. If that were truly the case, ask yourself every time you’re triggered- How can this situation be “FOR ME” not “AGAINST ME” ??
6. Lighten Up (Seriously)
Here’s the secret no one tells you:
Emotionally secure people can laugh at themselves.
They don’t take every comment as a personal attack or defend it as if it’s the gospel truth — because they trust their own intentions and decision making and recognize opinions are subjective.
When you catch yourself spiraling, try humor:
“Wow, my inner drama queen sure is working overtime today.”
or
“Well… that feedback wasn’t on my bingo card. today”
It breaks the intensity, keeps your nervous system regulated, and reminds you that not everything has to be that deep. So what the interaction went a little south… It’s definitely not the end of the world.
7. Build Your Inner Safety
Ultimately, defensiveness comes from fear — fear of being wrong, rejected, or unworthy.
When you learn to regulate your nervous system and affirm your worth internally, you no longer need to defend or grasp for it externally by seeking validation or reassurance.
Try grounding questions like:
What am I afraid this means about me?
What would I say to a friend in this same situation?
What’s still true about me, even if they didn’t like that?
This is where peace lives.
Bottom Line
You can be someone who cares deeply and still takes things lightly.
Growth means not shrinking from feedback — but also not letting it define you.
You get to listen, learn, and let go — without losing yourself in the process.
If being defensive has been somewhat of a challenge for you- I can help. Message me for a free consult. I’d love to hear from you!!